Jan 31st
9:00pm | Colombiana (2011)
Martial Arts Monday? I'm assuming she kicks some guys in the head a few times in this. I haven't seen this action flick written by Luc Besson originally as the sequel to Leon, but I think it's safe to assume a few things. There will be lots of guns drawn and explosives to splode, and Saldana will appear in many-a-costume each tighter than the last until she is wearing the equivalent of a green man suit while getting revenge on the uhhh, probably, drug lords that killed her... imma guess parents?
Starring: Zoe Saldana, Michael Vartan, Callum Blue, Lennie James, Cliff Curtis
Jan 30th
9:00pm | Throw Momma from the Train (1987)
Danny DeVito's directorial debut is definitely a droll deviant. Two men sort've decide to pool resources in order to off their respective significant others, one his ex-wife, the other his over-bearing mother. But Larry kinda thinks Owen is joking about it after watching Strangers on a Train. Thing is, Owen don't joke about potential matricide! This is a hilarious black comedy you shouldn't just chuck out a moving vehicle!
Starring: Danny DeVito, Billy Crystal, Anne Ramsey, Kate Mulgrew, Kim Greist, Rob Reiner
Jan 29th
12:00am | Mission: Impossible (1996)
I think it's about time we finish this series! And we do it the only way we know how around here! First thing's last, YEP! This is the face-offin-est, carabining-est, tomcruise-runnin-aroundinist of all the movies of the nineties! Let's goooooo!!!
Starring: Tom Cruise, Jon Voight, Emmanuelle Beart, Jean Reno, Ving Rhames
Jan 28th 
11:00pm | Alley Cat (1984)
This must've been sitting in a producer's garage on top of a stack of nudey mags and muscle car catalogs for about a decade or so collecting dust, cuz it was clearly shot in the 70s among the other exploitation films of the era. Specifically, this is of the "female revenge" subgenre (and more specifically, it's a Death Wish ripoff), and comes with all the cliche trashy goodness you'd expect. A karate woman beats up some thugs trying to steal her tires, then they murder her grandparents. Don't blink or you might miss the completely inexplicable couple minutes where she goes to prison, seemingly only in the movie for its soapy, breasty shower scene! FNMM!!
Starring: Karin Mani, Robert Torti, Britt Helfer
Jan 27th
9:00pm | First Love (2019)
Over-the-top violence, action, and comedy are on full display here in this forbidden romance film from Takashi Miike (I believe this might be his 100th film). A one-night in Tokyo when two crazy kids fall in love but are also accidently involved in a Yakuza drug deal gone wrong sorta situation. Think True Romance meets Fast & Furious but with much bloodier shootouts. It's hard to describe Miike...
JP w/ EN subs.
Starring: Masataka Kubota, Sakurako Konishi, Shota Sometani, Becky, Bengal
Jan 26th
10:00pm | Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
Wholesome nerd makes a friend and tries to get him elected class president. Are we gonna talk about lygers here? I mean, they totally seem possible. Small cats can all breed together I think. I'm no big cat expert, but I don't see why not.. Maybe they just don't live around each other. Hmmmm..
Starring: Jon Heder, Efren Ramirez, Jon Gries
Jan 25th 
9:00pm | Robert Burns Night
Don your kilts, polish your pipes, and join us to celebrate Scotland and its national poet! We'll watch some videos, drink whisky, and read dirty poetry! And maybe I've got a movie we can watch later about a sacred scone, it's like the traveling trophy between sports rivals but with countries. TO RABBIE! Slàinte Mhath!
Emcee: Blue, Head of Scuff: Funk
Jan 24th
9:00pm | Kick-Ass (2010)
Dave is a high school kid and comic book fan who decides for no particularly good reason to become a superhero without any of the training, resources, money, knowledge... that others possess. He gets his ass kicked. This is the best of the amateur-vigilante superhero wannabes movies, and it's in no small part due to the alimighty Cage hamming it up as psuedo-batman and actually really awesome fight choreography!
Starring: Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Chris Mintz-Plasse, Nic Cage, CGM, Evan Peters, Lyndsy Fonseca
Jan 23rd
9:00pm | Death at a Funeral (2007)
This comedy of errors directed by Frank Oz is a hilarious look into a dysfunctional British family when everything that can go wrong does at their father's funeral. There's botched undertaking, indecent exposure, a cousin on drugs, and a dwarf that nobody seems to know. Hey, get in where you fit in! Somebody get Owen and Vince on the horn for a sequel!
Starring: Matthew Macfadyen, Peter Dinklage, Ewen Bremner, Keeley Hawes, Andy Nyman, Daisy Donovan, Alan Tudyk
Jan 22nd
9:00pm | Ronin (1998)
A group of various unaffiliated spies, assassins, and generally underground dudes of a particular set of skills is brought together for a mysterious job of recovering a very important, very McGuffiny suitcase from a high-profile bad guy. Do these run on sentences bother you guys? Type 1 in the chat. Aaaaand ya banned. This is easily one of the best action movies of the 90s. It has a lot of twisty turns and Mamet-ian dialog, but also some of the finest car chases put on film since the McQueen days and movies like Bullitt and The French Connection. Bring your popcorn, and choose your alliances! (They will be betrayed.)
Starring: Bobby D, Jean Reno, Natascha McElhone, Stellan Skarsgård, Sean Bean, Michael Lonsdale
Jan 21st
11:00pm | Howling II: ...Your Sister Is a Werewolf (1985)
Whooooo boy... if you're a fan of the original Joe Dante film, or a fan of film, or really a person with any taste whatsoever, don't bother bringing your pretentious proclivities to THIS Friday Night Midnight Movie!!! We've got transylvanian eye-exploding dwarfs, Rock & Roll soundtrack on blast, werewolf witches, werewolf threesomes, Christopher Lee wandering around with nothing to work with, poor effects and apparently the costumes for a different movie by accident, and one of the most bizarre breasty ending credits ever. There's something for everybody!
Starring: Christopher Lee, Annie McEnroe, Reb Brown, Sybil Danning
Jan 20th
9:00pm | WarGames (1983)
What? I'm not being insensitive about tense real-world situations. I'm being RELEVANT. Plus I haven't seen this in forever, and now seems like as good a time as any... except any in the near future soooo. Yeah, this is about as good as they come in terms of just delicious computer screen graphics and fictitious UIs. Honestly they're not even bad for the time, but we all know hacking the planet in 1995 was the peak of screen graphix! When an innocent game of Global Thermonuclear War accidently launches real nukes at Russia, teen hacker Broderick and gf Sheedy find themselves embroiled in an international-political action thriller!
Starring: Matthew Broderick, Ally Sheedy, John Wood, Dabney Coleman
Jan 19th
10:00pm | Rise of the Guardians (2012)
Children's legends must team up in order to save hope and imagination in this star-stuffed adventure from Dreamworks. Somebody recently asked me seriously if I thought Santa was a lie, and it caught me off guard. I said, Hmm, no, I don't think it's a lie... Luckily they offered the suggestion "more of a tradition." The tooth fairy also is not a lie, just real freakin' creepy. Is Bigfoot in this? I believe in Bigfoot too.
Starring: Hugh Jackman, Isla Fisher, Alec Baldwin, Chris Pine, Jude Law
Jan 18th 
9:00pm | Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls (1995)
This is one of the funniest movies ever made. I think it was just Carrey and Steve Oedekerk being on the same page and firing on all cylinders. It outdoes the first one in comedy, and given the fish-out-of-water material, somehow manages to be far less problematic, even culturally reverential! ...and Carrey crawls out of a rhino's butt.. soooo there's that.
Starring: Jim Carrey, Maynard Eziashi, Sophie Okonedo, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Simon Callow
Jan 17th
9:00pm | American Ninja (1985)
An orphaned american baby raised by a japanese soldier in the jungle who doesn't know the War is over is taught the ways of martial arts and grows up to be, no joke, Joe Armstrong, a forcefully enlisted soldier in the army with amnesia about his upbringing except he still remembers all those sweet arm bars and kicks and junk. Dudikoff looks somewhat uncomfortable in the lead, and it's questionable how much actual martial arts training he even had. But cabbage carts will be destroyed! And there's the ever-present question of just how effective cartwheels are in a fist fight..
Starring: Michael Dudikoff, Tadashi Yamashita, Steve James, Judie Aronson, Don Stewart
Jan 16th
9:00pm | Super Troopers (2001)
Broken Lizard comedy troupe burst onto the scene with this goofy, Police Academy-esque debut about a group of immature pranksters who also happen to be state troopers in Vermont. Maybe the story isn't as polished as their later works like Beerfest, but some consider this a comedy masterpiece! We're certainly still using some of its classic schtick meowawadays! Fair warning though, when I say immature comedy, that's not a joke, shit gets real blue real bad in this!
Starring: Jay Chandrasekhar, Kevin Heffernan, Steve Lemme, Brian Cox, Jim Gaffigan, Marisa Coughlan
Jan 15th
9:00pm | Jump (2009)
In a rash of these teens-with-super-powers-but-not-associated-with-major-superhero-franchises movies around the late aughts, this is the best of 'em. A "mover", the perpetually perplexed Chris Evans, and a "watcher", Big Eyes Fanning search for a "pusher", Hottie McHotstuff Belle in Hong Kong while being pursued by a shadowy government agency. If all that nonsense made you go, "YEPPERS", then boy do I have a movie for you!! ...it's Push. It's... the movie we're watching..
Starring: Chris Evans, Camilla Belle, Dakota Fanning, Djimon Hounsou, Colin Ford
Jan 14th
9:00pm | Dead Ant (2017)
This is an extremely dumb movie. I mean it. How the hell is Tom Arnold even still around? Shouldn't he have died in a cocaine avalanche or something by now? Anyway, this band of dum dums gets lost in the desert and attacked by Ants of Unusual Size. If you're looking for good story telling or effects, this ain't it! But there's inexplicable full-frontal in MINUTE ONE sooooooo... get here early and get here often I guess!
Starring: Tom Arnold, Jake Busey, Cameron Richardson, Sean Astin
Jan 13th
9:00pm | The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
Clarice Starling is a young FBI cadet on the case of serial killer Buffalo Bill, and she needs to enlist the help of the emprisoned, diabolical cannibal-psychologist Dr. Hannibal Lecter. This is widely considered one of the best suspense movies ever made. It's tense and creepy through-and-through, and if you have somehow never seen it... welcome in. Here's your fava beans and a nice chianti... enjoy!
Starring: Jodie Foster, Anthony Hopkins
Jan 12th
10:00pm | Spaceballs (1987)
Rogue star-pilot Lone Starr must save Princess Vespa from Lord Dark Helmet and other completely original characters like Pizza the Hutt and man-dog Barf. What are you talking about, "spoof"? I do not know this word. This is a totally original creation from master of sci-fi Mel Brooks, and I'll thank everyone to be safely logged in to your prime accounts so our di$ney and luca$ overlords don't cancel the stream for blasphemy!
Starring: Mel Brooks, John Candy, Rick Moranis, Bill Pullman, Michael Winslow, Daphne Zuniga, Joan Rivers
Jan 11th
9:00pm | Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)
I was and still am a huge fan of the original TMNT, and just like you and almost everybody else, I'm not a big fan of remaking every damn movie like the past 10 years has been in Hollywood, so we got that outta the way. That said, this is actually a really fun movie, albeit MUCH more blockbustery and explodey than the orginal was gritty and unlit-alley dark/slimey. It really isn't much like the original at all. Just go in with the expectation of a Michael Bay experience starring the Turtles and you'll have a good time!
Starring: Megan Fox, Will Arnett, William Fichtner, Noel Fisher, Alan Ritchson, Pete Ploszek, Johnny Knoxville, Jeremy Howard
Jan 10th
9:00pm | Sleepless in Seattle (1993)
Marital Arts Monday!! Everything is normal here. As on every Monday we watch a classic movie about love <3, this one from expert rom-com artist Nora Ephron, who five years later would make the exact same movie again but with significatly updated mail delivery system technology! Let's see if Chief of Charm Hanks and Feisty Femme Ryan can "Missed Connections" themselves into each other's lives for good!
Starring: Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, Bill Pullman
Jan 9th
9:00pm | The Beastmaster (1982)
Pants Prohibited! This sword and sorcery fantasy from young Don Coscarelli has a story. I assure you. It's about this pantsless super Chad that can talk to ferrets, and he's gotta get revenge on Rip Torn for murdering his village. There's a floating eye, and a sexy witch, and a bunch of literal birds-eye-view. Is it Conan? Sorta!
Starring: Marc Singer, Tanya Roberts, Rip Torn, John Amos
Jan 8th
9:00pm | Mission: Impossible III (2006)
Oh we doin' it, folks! We doin' this series hord. And of course in its natural order - next up we have M:I-III, directed by JJA and starring PSH as bad guy #1. Tom Cruise will run and jump and run some more, gadgets will gadget, and sexy dangerous women will vie for Cruise's tiny immortal body!
Downside: Woo is out, so less bird slo-mo and face-offs... Upside: Abrams is in, so plenty of lens-flare and a story that actually makes sense.
Starring: Tom Cruise, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Michelle Monaghan, Ving Rhames, Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Maggie Q, Keri Russell, Simon Pegg
Jan 7th
11:00pm | Jeepers Creepers (2001)
It's Friday Night Midnight Movie time again!! A pretty gross creature feature with an original monster that is out of hiding (like a cicada) for its ritualistic killing and eating spree of Justin Long-ish coeds. It also drives a truck around too for some reason. So this is like three parts The Relic, two parts Duel, and a healthy pinch of Justin Long sprinkled all over.
Starring: Justin Long, Gina Phillips, Jonathon Breck
Jan 6th
9:00pm | The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou (2004)
Steve Zissou is an eclectic oceanographer who wants to exact revenge on a (mythical?) shark that killed his partner. He pulls together a crew of equally strange and arguably skilled to the task characters and sets off on a voyage with said plan. I'd say this is when director Wes Anderson started getting weird, but we all know that was likely middle school and it just kept escalating from there.
Starring: Bill Murray, Owen Wilson, Anjelica Huston, Cate Blanchett, Willem Dafoe, Jeff Goldblum
Jan 5th
10:00pm | Monsters vs. Aliens (2009)
This is one of the best that's come from Dreamworks Animation! It's got an all-star cast, a really fun story, and genuine wholesome comedy throughout. And if you're a film geek, it's also got plenty of references to old exploitation films and B-monster movies like Attack of the 50 Foot Woman, The Blob, The Fly, Godzilla, and more! Plot: it's Monsters vs. Aliens, boom.
Starring: Reese Witherspoon, Rainn Wilson, Stephen Colbert, Seth Rogen, Hugh Laurie, Will Arnett, Paul Rudd, Amy Poeler, Ed Helms... and more
Jan 4th
9:00pm | Mission: Impossible II (2000)
With the newest installment coming out this year, we should definitely get back into this franchise! Of course we started with M:I-4:GP, so naturally next is M:I-II:xWOO. Absolutely packed with the john woo-iest of stunts and tom cruis-iest of running to and from here and there, not to mention all the fun spy stuff and gadgetry... this is Ethan Hunt's second impossible mission, and I have a feeling he'll choose to accept it!
Starring: Tom Cruise, Dougray Scott, Thandiwe Newton, Ving Rhames
Jan 3rd
9:00pm | The Final Master (2015)
This is a big-budget, flashy kung fu movie from mainland china about a Wing Chun master who has to defeat a series of other schools' masters to become the local big bad. If it sounds familiar, yes, it's pretty blatantly capitalizing on Ip Man if not directly ripping it off. It's style over substance though, the fights are great but the story makes zero sense; use subtitles or don't it won't matter! They also use about every weapon you could ever imagine, including (no joke) fucking Cloud Strife Buster Swords! It's bananas.
Starring: Fan Liao, Jia Song, Wenli Jiang
Jan 2nd
9:00pm | Drowning Mona (2000)
I don't think I've ever seen this! Looks like a fun cast in a comedy murder mystery. When Mona drives her car into the river, small town police chief Wyatt Rash suspects foul play and investigates the town's kooky characters. Like Knives Out if you replace Daniel Craig with a super sexy investigator?
Starring: Danny DeVito, Bette Midler, Neve Campbell, JLC, William Fichtner, Casey Affleck, Will Ferrell
Jan 1st
9:00pm | The Terminator (1984)
A human is sent from 2029 to 1984 to stop a humanoid machine sent to/from the same years from killing a woman who will birth the boy who will become the man who made the machine and also sent back the man to stop it... Man typing this out really clarifies the whole structure of this franchise and its time travel rules. YEP! It's the beginning. It's amazing. Just let bad Arnie take the wheel for this action masterpiece!
Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Linda Hamilton, Michael Biehn, Lance Henriksen, Bill Paxton, Brian Fuckin Thompson
