Feb 28th

   9:00pm | Dragonball: Evolution (2009) Here are some things that I like in no particular order: Martial Arts Monday, Emmy Rossum, Jamie Chung, and Spike. And totally unrelated, but just for the sake of completion, here's a list of some things I don't like: waiting in lines, spooky spooders, Andy Dick, and Hollywood movies that take beloved children's franchises and just straight up shit all over them like a bathroom in a Tennessee truckstop. Now that said, what could possibly go wrong?
Starring: Justin Chatwin, James Marsters, Chow Yun-Fat, Emmy Rossum, Jamie Chung

Feb 27th

   9:00pm | Shallow Hal (2001) This is a comedy from the Farrelly Brothers about a guy who gets elevator-hypnotized by Tony Robbins to see women's inner beauty rather than outward appearance. And despite how that sounds, it actually isn't just one long fat joke of a movie. Yes, there are fat jokes (and some are pretty funny), but they pretty much cover those in the trailer. You can choose to look as deeply as you want into the intentions of the movie, but I honestly see it as a genuinely funny and well-written romcom with great characters! No fun-shaming here!
Starring: Jack Black, Pre-Goop, Jason Alexander, Joe Viterelli, Brooke Burns

Feb 26th

   9:00pm | Die Hard: With a Vengeance (1995) This is like an entirely different action movie than the original Die Hard, but in my opinion it's right up there with it! McTiernan returns to direct and Irons plays villan Hans Gruber's bro, Simon. Sam Jackson is a Harlem store owner who somehow gets caught up with John McClane (now back home in NY drinkin' and gettin' kicked off the force and whatnot), as they basically go on the world's wildest bachelor party scavenger hunt across the city at the whim of a madman threatening to bomb places if they don't complete his weird game and take a Jager shot at every location.
Rated R warnings: World Trade bombs, N-bombs, Jager bombs?
Starring: Bruce Willis, Samuel L. Jackson, Jeremy Irons

Feb 25th  

   9:00pm | The Fly (1986) This is a dumb movie. It's full of dumb people doing dumb things with their dum dum brains. And yet, it's hilarious. And it pretty much shot Chappelle into the stratosphere so there's that! Keep your half-closed eyes peeled for the many many cameos, and if you're a tiktok juicer (first off how'd you get here) welcome to night school for, like, all of your memes. Friday Night School Midnight Movie!!
Starring: Dave Chappelle, Jim Breuer, Harland Williams

Feb 24th

   9:00pm | The Fly (1986) Remake of the 1958 sci-fi movie infused with more than a little Cronenbergian body horror and topped with a delightful Goldblumian essence. This film is both disgusting and emotionally powerful. Frankly, it's hard to pin down. And if you don't know what this is about, well... a scientist does a whoopsie with quality-control and ends up a tainted- I mean.. ends up with a tainted sample. Everybody always describes this as an experiment gone "horribly wrong" but what if it's not??
Starring: Jeff Goldblum, Geena Davis, John Getz

Feb 23rd

   10:00pm | Reacher Ep6-8 (2022) Mid-Week Movie Break! Where did we last leave Reacher? Probably getting into physical fights with local peabrains and verbal altercations with legal authorities. What can we expect this week? Maybe a few broken arms and a wrongful incarceration or two. Certainly not my Officer Roscoe closet shrine getting its own dedicated HD monitor looping scenes of her adorably waddling around with a gun holster twice her weight. Nope.
Starring: Reacher

Feb 22nd  

   9:00pm | Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984) We made it! It's 2-22-22! The last time this happened we only got a really crappy horror movie named 11/11/11. And the world possibly ended but we're in some spinoff timeline or something, I can't remember. Two celebrate the occasion we are watching the most well-known sequel ever, Electric Boogaloo! What's that, you didn't even know there was an actual movie responsible for that meme? Well, there is, and it's glorious! I mean, the colors and the hairstyles and the dance moves... just amazing. And don't even get me started on all the male crop tops! Join or the rec center will be destroyed by evil suits!
Starring: Lucinda Dickey, Adolfo Quinones, Michael Chambers, Harry Caesar, Ice-T

Feb 21st

   9:00pm | What Happens in Vegas (2008) Some of you are gonna whine and moan about this movie. "Funk, I can't stand Ashton Kutcher, I just wanna punch his stupid fucking face." Or "Cameron Diaz looks like Madonna had a love-child with Skeletor and I wish she would get butt scabies." Or you might have legitimate complaints about the formulaic storytelling of almost all romcoms. And others might question why I'm still doing this Marital Arts Monday gag to you at all. Well, buck up, Buttercup! It's fun and I could have chosen the 3hr Lincoln biopic for Presidents' Day! Two drunk dum dums win a jackpot, get married, regert it, and Dennis Miller sentences them to marriage.
Starring: Cameron Diaz, Ashton Kutcher, Rob Corddry, Jason Sudeikis, Lake Bell, Dennis Farina, Krysten Ritter, Others

Feb 20th

   9:00pm | A Fish Called Wanda (1988) Some of John Cleese's best work, both writing and performing, this absolutely ridiculous and hilarious heist movie follows the double and triple-crossing antics of a group of jewel thieves in London. You can't trust anyone, especially not hot American seductress Jamie Lee Curtis! This is one of the best comedies of all time. Guaranteed laugh riot!
Starring: John Cleese, JLC, Kevin Kline, Michael Palin

Feb 19th

   9:00pm | The Rock (1996) Get out your Michael Bay hats, YOOOO! Which I imagine is like a beer helmet but with bricks of C4 instead of delicious hoppy suds. This is an action movie starring Sean Connery and Nicolas Cage. They have to stop terrorists at Alcatraz who wanna shower San Francisco with nerve gas. Stuff is gonna splode. Quips are gonna get quipped. And of course guns are gonna pew. Welcome to the 90s! Most importantly though, the murky tunnels of our now defunct off-shore prison island will mirror the dark and mysterious nature of our anti-hero's twisted mind, creating a conflict of familiarity and mistrust. Also PEW PEW PEW!
Starring: Sean Connery, Nic Cage, Ed Harris, Michael Biehn, David Morse, John Spencer

Feb 18th  

   9:00pm | Man with the Screaming Brain (2005) An American business man in Bulgaria has his brain, well not swapped exactly, kinda mushed together with a taxi driver's and brought back to life by a mad scientist. BC directs and stars in this original send up of classic horror tropes. Sam and Bruce probably came up with this while drunk on absinthe in their secret movie theatre connecting their homes via underground tunnels. It's not on their IMDB pages or anything, I'm just making assumptions. It's the Friday Night Midnight Movieeee!!
Starring: Bruce Campbell, Tamara Gorski, Ted Raimi, Stacy Keach

Feb 17th

   9:00pm | Let the Right One In (2008) This one's from the Swedish. This one's not for the squeamish. You've been warned. An absolutely brilliant and brutal supernatural tale that manages to mesh together coming-of-age, love-story, and horrific immortal demon manipulation. This is what your edgiest anime wishes it could be... at least story-wise. Cinematically, this film is so beautiful it will make you cry blood. Or is that something else, possibly having to do with the title?
SV w/EN sub
Starring: Lina Leandersson, Kåre Hedebrant, Per Ragnar

Feb 16th

   9:00pm | Reacher Ep4-5 (2022) Mid-week movie break! If you missed any, catch up before 10! We're on ep4, and Thumb-Man has not stopped beating the crap out of people. I am NOT currently working on a full shrine to Officer Roscoe in the closet. And there's some sort of plot?
Starring: Reacher, A bunch of backwoods billies that can't seem to stop picking fights with a giant fucking beef boy who keeps breaking arms everywhere he goes, Office Roscoe

Feb 15th  

   9:00pm | Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story (2007) This is allowed in accordance with Section 27c of the Tuesday Night Freedom Act for Independent Sequels. It's a spoof of Walk the Line. Also a lot of musical biopics rolling out around then, and it's damn funny! JCR is in top form as the titular Dewey Cox whose life we follow from 15 year old father to 70s star hob-nobbin' with the Beatles and into his golden years, always rockin'... always hard. You don't want anything to do with this movie! It's funny, and it's free! Get outta here!
Starring: John C. Reilly, Jenna Fischer, David Krumholtz, Tim Meadows, Margo Martindale

Feb 14th  

   9:00pm | The Adventures of Buckaroo Bonzai Across the 8th Dimension(1984) Personally I would have been showing the most schmaltzy, saccharin Hallmark crap I could find for Marital Arts Monday, but thankfully tabba has saved us from that fate! And hey, if you like the holiday, feel free to bring a date, this is a perfectly cromulent date movie! As for a description, well... Buckaroo Bonzai is a rock star, brain-surgeon, comic book hero adventurer who along with his crew the Hong Kong Cavaliers must stop evil alien Johns from the 8th dimension taking over Earth. He's also a samurai, so this is on theme.
Starring: Peter Weller, John Lithgow, Ellen Barkin, Jeff Goldblum, Christopher Lloyd, Clancy Brown, Vincent Schiavelli, Dan Hedaya

Feb 13th

   10:00pm | Reacher Ep2-3 (2022) Did you all enjoy the big game?! I did! What I didn't enjoy was almost every commercial seemed to be another streaming service promoting itself. That was pretty obnoxious and lame. The halftime show was awesome though! Best since Prince if you ask me. No one asked me?? Fine. Let's watch Reacher! (I think he might beat up some dudes... and I have a crush on officer Roscoe)
Starring: Alan Ritchson, Willa Fitzgerald, Malcolm Goodwin

Feb 12th

   9:00pm | Die Hard (1988) Apparently the fact that this takes place at Christmas-time is the only thing anyone cares about anymore, despite being one of the best action movies of all time. Well this wasn't available around Christmas so we didn't watch it then, take it up with Prime if you're upset about when we're watching it! John McClane is a NY cop in LA trying to save his wife and some other hostages from terrorists at Nakatomi Plaza. There will be 'splosions. There will be cool one-liners. There will be an increasingly dirty Bruce Willis willing to do whatever it takes! Be there!
Starring: Bruce Willis, Alan Rickman, Bonnie Bedelia, Reginald VelJohnson

Feb 11th  

   11:00pm | Gonjiam: Haunted Asylum (2018) This is a genuinely scary found footage style movie, more precisely livestreaming. Is that gonna be a new subgenre? No BS, this one is legit. The cast and crew of a horror web show are planning to shoot inside a well-known spooky location. The show's hosts plan fake scares for the cast to find, but what they never anticipated is that the place might actually be haunted... Welcome in to the Friday Night Midnight Movie!
Starring: Wi Ha-Joon, Park Sung-Hoon, Yoo Je-Yoon

Feb 10th

   9:00pm | The Royal Tenenbaums (2001) [Run-on sentence vaguely describing nonexistent plot] [Commentary on Anderson's very specific cinematic style] [Praising the cast] [Goop joke] [My Owen impression: "Wehhowww"] Shut up! I'm not getting lazy, you are!
Starring: Gene Hackman, Goop, Anjelica Huston, Ben Stiller, Luke Wilson, Owen Wilson, Bill Murray, Danny Glover

Feb 9th

   10:00pm | Reacher Ep1 (2022) We're gonna try something a bit different, not too different though, calm down. Since Wednesday is a later night I wanna see how it goes over maybe mixing in a bit of serial content. There are a few prime shows worth watching, and they'll be widely available too, so let's give it a go! This is the brand new series based on the Lee Child books about a man with not just a particular set of skills, but pretty much all of them. I've never read the books, I love the Cruise movies, I hear this is also great!
Starring: Alan Ritchson, Malcolm Goodwin, Willa Fitzgerald

Feb 8th

   9:00pm | RoboCop 2 (1990) Hyper-violent sequel to the 1987 cult classic, this one gets to skip any origin story and just throw you into excessive explosions and just an absolute overload of different b-plots that will NOT be fully or even somewhat realized. The setting is an ugly, rundown, apocalyptic, drug and gang war-torn Detroit. So... Detroit. RoboCop has to fight evil RoboCop 2, corporate fascism, an amazingly annoying literal kid drug lord, and his own lingering human emotions when there's time between gratuitous explosions and red misting baddies.
Starring: Peter Weller, Nancy Allen, Belinda Bauer, Tom Noonan

Feb 7th

   9:00pm | (500) Days of Summer (2009) Marital Arts Monday is back! Zoooey and JGL make googly-eyes at each other, snog a bit, and break up, but not necessarily in that order in this nonlinear romcom covering the course of a relationship between a hopeless romantic guy and his love-skeptic ladyfriend. It's twee as fuck and I'll be employing a salt-lick to lower my blood sugar, but it's also one of the best movies of the entire genre, equally funny, realistic, and touching. Finally a Boys Night!
Starring: Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Zooey Deschanel

Feb 6th

   9:00pm | 127 hours (2010) Oh man, you gotta love Danny Boyle. He really refuses to be tied down to a style or genre other than just damn good movies. This is of course a biographic account of that time an idiot-moron went for a dangerous hike without telling anyone where he was and got himself stuck in a ravine where he then has to reflect on his life and eventually do what he has to in order to save it. Even if Franco's not usually your thing, you'll appreciate his performance in this absolutely beautiful film.
Starring: James Franco, Amber Tamblyn, Kate Mara

Feb 5th  

   9:00pm | 13 Hours (2016) At first I thought this was some movie version of the most recent Jack Ryan series due to Amazon misprinting its year. It's not, but Krasinski does play another military Jack, which I actually really liked in the Ryan series! This is a politically neutral account of the attack on the american Consulate in Benghazi on Sep 11th, 2012 directed by Michael Bay, and thus action-packed, but apparently very accurate to the known details of the event. Also, despite its release date and the goings on around then, notice I said "politically neutral", so I don't wanna see anything about BUTTERY MALES in the chat!
Starring: John Krasinnski, Pablo Schreiber, James Badge Dale

Feb 4th  

   11:00pm | Cyborg (1989) Gibson Rickenbacker is the fiercest warrior in apoclyptic, war-torn wasteland 2019, and he's the only one who can save the person responsible for creating a vaccine to cure the new plague ravishing the already straight fucked world. This is a work of FICTION, guys. I don't wanna hear about how it's completely unrealistic this and Albert Pyun was not a psychic that. We're here for facts not fun! I mean... wait no
Starring: JCVD

Feb 3rd

   9:00pm | The Courier (2021) I haven't seen this one yet. It's a true story espionage thriller taking place in the 60s Cold War arena. MI6 apparently used an ordinary businessman as a spy/patsy in order to infiltrate the russians. Governments... sheesh.
Starring: Benedict Cumberbatch, Merab Ninidze, Rachel Brosnahan

Feb 2nd

   10:00pm | Mr. Popper's Penguins (2011) Did you know penguins only live in the Southern Hemisphere? Well, there and of course high-rise Manhattan apartments decked out like a walk-in freezer. Yarrr, here there be penguins! And they're poopin' and poppin' all over Jim Carrey's fancy carpets and sofas!
Starring: Jim Carrey

Feb 1st  

   9:00pm | Jiang Ziya: Legend of Deification (2020) Happy Lunar New Year! We usher in the Year of the Tiger (MYAAA) with this sequel to the hugely successful chinese animated movie Ne Zha. Jiang is a disgraced angel army commander who must defeat an evil fox demon in order to get back into the good graces of his fellow gods. It's a traditional Chinese folklore tale with fantastic animation and characters. And he's got a cute little flying wendigo/stag-like familiar creature!
Starring: Xi Zheng, Guanlin Ji, Yan Meme